The Other 9 1/2 Weeks

On Monday, someone asked me how long I had to go till my due date and I answered, without really thinking about it, "nine and a half weeks". We both sort of tittered nervously and moved on to something like "Isn't this weather lovely?"

9 1/2 Weeks is one of those films that people either loved or hated, and even now, people aren't sure whether to admit they liked it or even saw it.

I was 17 when I saw it and remember squirming with embarrassment in the cinema next to my two girl cousins. It was just so sexual and in-your-face and stirred up all sorts of very strange feelings that seemed so at odds with our daily HSC study sessions and chaste kissing sessions at the local blue light discos. The post-movie critique between us went so far as to admit that Mickey Rourke was cute and Kim Bassinger wore nice hats and we left it at that. However, there are scenes from that film which have remained etched in my memory, even though I've never seen the movie since.

So with nine and a half weeks to go till I give birth, I've been thinking about all the ways in which MY nine and a half weeks is different to Mickey and Kim's.

1. At 30 weeks pregnant, I am beginning to resemble more Mickey Rourke than Kim Bassinger. And not handsome, suave Mickey from '9 1/2 Weeks', oh no . . . I am morphing into Mickey from 'The Wrestler', complete with swollen ankles, dark roots and a whole lotta ex-boxer attitude. But if my face starts puffing up like his, for God's sake someone prick me with a pin!

2. The theme song, it goes without saying, will change to 'You Can Leave Your Fat On' and the accompanying dance (if you can call it that) will be some raunch-less hip swivelling on the fit ball and a few pelvic floor lifts.

3. Forget about dripping honey all over my body and rubbing it sensuously along my burgeoning thighs. Just give it to me straight - into the mouth, preferably on toast, with butter. And do you really think one piece is enough? Keep 'em coming buddy!

4. Forget, too, about the gift of white lacy lingerie and suspender belt. Make mine a few dozen pairs of giant cotton knickers with double gussets and a maternity bra made out of two teepees.

5. Don't bother brushing my hair and treating me like a doll. Get the razor out and shave my legs will you? For I cannot reach them and hair leggings are simply not 'in' this spring.

6. And finally, about all that sex business. In the words of Darryl Kerrigan, tell him he's dreamin'!